Authentically attached.

Recently, my colleague referenced a quote of Dr. Gabor Mate’s, which is “when authenticity and attachment are in opposition to each other, a child will always choose attachment for survival”.

Dang.

Real quick: attachment is the term for how safe and connected our relationships are, and Dr. Mate defines authenticity as “knowing what you feel, being in touch with your body, and being able to express and manifest who you are in activities and relationships”.

So what Dr. Mate is saying is that when a child has to choose between feeling their feelings & expressing themselves honestly or being accepted by a parent (or caregiver), the child will sacrifice feeling their feelings & expressing themselves honestly in order to maintain a sense of acceptance by their parents every time. They have to, in order to survive childhood. Pretty sad, right? And, right on the money.

Sacrificing authenticity to remain connected to a parent/caregiver is basically a form of self-abandonment (again, for survival’s sake). Then, as the child ages, the child becomes an adult that is stuck in self-abandonment, which shows up as all kinds of unhealthy patterns and dysfunction. Despite all the various means for coping, these wounds (or raw spots, as I like to call them) won’t actually heal until we begin to regain and reconnect to our authentic selves. This, in turn, enables us to be healthfully and intimately connected to others. It’s the difference between using someone to get your needs met or being able to tend to your own needs well and then offer a healthy sense of self to others freely in relationship.

I dawned on me recently that God is a significant and often overlooked attachment figure in most of our lives. Whether we realize it or not, we all have some idea of how God looks at us, what he wants from us, and what we have to be (or do) in order to make him happy. Some people attempt doing ALL THE THINGS to get his approval, some just try to be good enough, and some avoid or reject him altogether, before he can do that to them. While I couldn’t even begin to unpack all the baggage that comes along with these various strategies, I can tell you from personal and professional experience that

You do not earn God’s love. You already have it! You RECEIVE God’s love.

Because God created us and sustains in this very moment- human, imperfect, and profoundly loved. He wants us to feel our feelings and express ourselves honestly!

Let me say that again- he wants us to feel our feelings and express ourselves honestly!

He doesn’t want us to abandon ourselves for his sake; it’s actually quite the opposite. We are made in his image, meaning our humanity reflects his glory! He loves our humanity and desires our fullest experience and expression of it. I don’t deny that this is a holy mystery, but I’m telling you- this is the truth. His healing loves comes to you not despite your humanity, but through it.

This is what we celebrate at Christmas (and what the journey of spiritual direction is all about, for whatever it’s worth)- that God’s abundant love for humanity is so immense that in our brokenness he didn’t reject us or leave us in our misery but sent us his son, Jesus Christ (in his humble & human form) to be our Savior. BECAUSE WE NEED ONE. I mean, if you disagree, I encourage you to take a good look around (makes grand sweeping gesture). We are a mess!

And God so deeply loves us. We need only to see Jesus and let him see us to get a true sense of just how valuable we are, right smack in the midst of our mess. As the gorgeous Christmas hymn says:

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
it is the night of the dear Savior’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night when Christ was born!
O night divine! O night, O night divine!

Merry Christmas, beloved Human. Your Savior loves you and came to this world so that you might be your most authentic self in true connection and intimacy with Him, yourself, and others. Remember: His healing loves comes to you not despite your humanity, but through it. Perhaps 2026 will be a year where you journey with God and discover your soul’s worth.